This is the first year of my life where I don’t feel ‘young’. I’m 25, let me explain.

I’ve been a year younger than my classmates through school and college. I have also been friends with people much older than me, partly thanks to having a brother 5 years older, so I never felt like I was lagging behind or I’m getting too old too quick. I would always be restless to turn a year older because I saw what my friends’ lives were like and it never felt unknown. Till college the path forward was always clear and demystified, and a few years post that as well; move cities, switch a couple jobs, establish yourself as an adult etc. This added a flavour of confidence to my life, nothing truly felt unknown. I have also been told ‘you’re so mature’ all through my life, so I always felt like damn, I’m actually 22 but people think I am 26, must be nice to turn 26.

This year though, things have changed, I’m not looking at someone older and thinking that’s where I’m going to get. The curve is not a 2D curve anymore - it’s multidimensional and I’m not ahead of it. Everyone’s individual trajectories have branched out so differently, and ahead does not mean anything significant anymore. Someone meeting me now would certainly believe I am 25, not older and that’s making me a little disoriented. The confidence that came from being told I was mature for my age, which led me to believe that the rules of the game don’t really apply to me, has become a fantasy at 25.

There are perks to this though, I am more balanced than ever. I am ruthless in cutting out what is not working for me. There was a time a couple years ago, say, I’d get an unmatched degree of thrill from entertaining flaky and disrespectful behaviour from men. I was not wrong for being drawn to it; I was just operating with a different brain and the chaos felt like aliveness but that’s not available to me anymore. Prefrontal cortex - I am (mostly) grateful.

I’m turning 26 soon and I’m not afraid of getting older, but uneasy because I’ve lost the identity of being ahead of the curve, and that’s more uncomfortable than I anticipated.